I used to sneak out in the morning, now getting up's a show I moan like something's killing me, then groan from head to toe I holler, "MORNIN', BEAUTIFUL!" She jumps a foot in bed She says, "So much for a peaceful start, I've got a big ache in my head."
I don't just sit down in a chair—I make a big landing sound You'd think a loaded cargo plane had finally touched the ground Then standing up's another noise, a long, dramatic strain I only stood to grab a beer—you'd think I'd caught a train
Everything I do is loud, I've got a sound for every move A grunt to get me started and a groan to get me through I sneeze and wake the fucking dead, then greet 'em with a shout I used to keep this shit inside—now all of it comes out
I see a buddy at the bar and holler out his name He ducks like someone's shooting, then he sees me take the blame I only meant to say hello, but everybody knows The guy they heard out in the lot has made it past the doors
We crank the TV way up loud so we can hear the show The neighbors follow every plot—it saves 'em HBO Then I put on the music, crank in up to eleven Just one short song it's Stairway to Heaven
Everything I do is loud, I've got a sound for every move A grunt to get me started and a groan to get me through I sneeze and wake the fucking dead, then greet 'em with a shout I used to keep this shit inside—now all of it comes out
My sneezes need a countdown and a warning on the door My wife hangs on to everything that isn't screwed into the floor She says, "Was that all necessary?" I say, "That's hard to know But hold on and grab your ass—there's one more set to go!"
Someday they'll say, "He's resting now," to folks who gather 'round Then hear me groan inside the box— "WHO PUT ME THIS FAR DOWN?"
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