We've got four bridges in Bay City—you'd think that would be plenty But getting to the other side might cost you fucking twenty Two will charge, one's torn apart, one's free if you can wait Every time I have an appointment, I'm sure I will be late
Bay City's a bit quirky you can't get there from here The bridge tolls are stupid, but we have cheap beer Once you get past the bridges watch out for the trains Good thing we can bitch to Bay City Complains
They said that marijuana was the answer to our prayers Soon every empty building had some gummies, buds, and bears We had more stores selling weed than we had folks buying grass Turns out a town can only get so high upon its ass
A Catholic church and corner bar once stood on every block You could sin till two on Saturday, confess at nine o'clock We used to choose our parish by the neighborhood we're in Now we choose the Sunday service by which bridge won't charge for sin
Bay City's a bit quirky you can't get there from here The bridge tolls are stupid, but we have cheap beer Once you get past the bridges watch out for the trains Good thing we can bitch to Bay City Complains
Shopping Downtown was how ladies passed the time Now anyone living here better have Amazon Prime Both malls have so much empty space you hear your sneakers squeak The walkers do a thousand laps and buy one pop a week
You can buy a house in Bay City for what some folks pay in rent And drink all afternoon without regretting what you spent But one bar raised its beer a quarter—people nearly rioted I've never seen this whole damn town so passionate and united
We used to call it Bay Medical, now “Bay Dead” is the name Everybody's got a story, and no one leaves the same They asked about my final wishes—I said, “This seems premature” “I came in for a fucking splinter!” They said, “Just making sure.”
There's parades and summer festivals, the river and the bay Some damn good bars and restaurants, with more along the way We'll bitch all winter long, then watch the summer sunset glow For folks who say this town is shit, we sure don't want to go
Bay City's a bit quirky you can't get there from here The bridge tolls are stupid, but we have cheap beer Once you get past the bridges watch out for the trains Good thing we can bitch to Bay City Complains
“Make fun of Bay City, but let's be perfectly clear We've been bitching longer than you—we've got seniority here”
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